A Love So Deep
by MTGirlForever
Summary: What if Ben Cartwright wasn't the perfect man and father he was portrayed as in Bonanza? What if he made a very major mistake? How would his sons, particularly Adam and Joe, deal with it? Slight alternate universe due to the fact it is based around the middle of the 6th season to explain Adam's absence in this season and Candy Canaday (from the 9th season) is also a main character.
1. Return?

"Adam Cartwright?" the café owner in Lone Pine, California, asked suddenly. The man sitting at the end of the table looked up and the owner said, "Oh, sorry. You sure look an awful lot like Adam Cartwright, though. But he's been gone for more'n a year."  
The man studied him. "I've heard of the Cartwrights. You say this Adam Cartwright's been gone for a long time, though?"  
"Uh-huh. Went back east somewhere's an' ain't come back yet."  
"Hum. For a thousand dollars would ya tell me everything I need to know about this fella to take his place?"  
The owner hesitated, then replied, "Ok. A thousand dollars is a lot o' money an' his pa an' brothers are missin' him anyway. Now, Adam Cartwright…"  
More than an hour later the owner concluded, "Well, that's as much as I can tell ya, but I know he's got a diary hidden in his room underneath the desk. When he was in here one time a long time ago I heard him tellin' his friend about it. What I don't know, you should be able to pick up from his diary."  
"All right. Thank you kindly, friend."  
The new Adam Cartwright got to his feet and sauntered out of the room. Swinging up on his horse, he turned him toward Virginia City, Nevada. When he arrived, almost the first person he saw was Roy Coffee, Virginia City's sheriff. "Adam Cartwright! Why, I don't believe it! Your pa know you're home, boy?"  
Edwin Burk, alias Adam Cartwright, grinned to himself. If he could fool this man, he must be acting the part pretty well. "Not yet. Thought I'd surprise him!"  
"Well, he'll be surprised, all right. Good to have ya home, son."  
"Thanks. It's good to be home. We'll be seein' you, Roy. I'm anxious to get home!"  
"Little wonder. You've been gone too long."  
"Yeah. I had a head injury back east, though, an' some o' my memory is fuzzy, so I gotta remember some things all over again."  
"Sorry to hear that, Adam, but I'm sure it'll come back once you get home. Well, I'll let you get home, now. Your family sure will be surprised!"  
"Yeah! See ya, Roy."  
Joe Cartwright was chopping wood in the ranch yard when he heard a horse ride into the ranch yard late that afternoon. He glanced up and froze. Adam was back! Then the joy faded. No, wait a minute, that wasn't Adam. Just somebody that looked enough like him to be his twin. Adam didn't sit a horse that way! His father and older brother, Hoss, came running out of the barn all of a sudden, yelling, "Adam!"  
The man on the horse sprang down, crying, "Pa, Hoss!" Joe's eyebrows furrowed as he watched the three embracing tearfully. He shook his head. No, it couldn't be. As he walked up toward the men, his father saw him. "Look, Joe, Adam's home!"  
Joe coolly stretched his hand out to the man. "Nice to see ya," he said, his voice completely void of emotion. And as he looked into the man's eyes he knew that this man was not his brother. There was no warmth in the man's eyes, only an angry glare as he recognized that Joe could easily give him away. Neither man was fooled and both instantly communicated their complete dislike for the other. Joe made up his mind in an instant however, that he wouldn't give the man away, for he'd brought back the joy that had gone out of his father and older brother when Adam had left. Besides, he wasn't the least bit sure they'd believe him if he told them anyway.  
Ben shot his youngest son an angry look, surprised that he would be so cold toward his beloved oldest brother. Then he shrugged it off, thinking Joe only needed some time. Clapping his hand to Edwin's shoulder, he said, "Come on in, Adam, an' tell us all that's been goin' on! We've missed you, son!"  
Joe trailed along behind his father and Hoss, choking back tears. He endured the next hour, listening to Edwin 'recount his adventures back east.' It was a relief to him when dinner came. Hop Sing, their Chinese cook, had been overjoyed to see the oldest son back and had prepared a massive feast for them all. Edwin tried to carry on a conversation with Joe during dinner, but Joe only answered when spoken to directly and then only with the shortest number of words possible. After dinner Edwin declared himself exhausted and Ben said, "Of course, son. Joe, help Adam carry his things upstairs."  
"Yes, Pa." Joe pushed back from the table, and, picking up Edwin's bags, carried them upstairs to Adam's room. Edwin was far enough behind him that Joe stood for a moment in Adam's room, tears in his eyes, and whispered, "Oh, Adam, I miss you so!" He felt somehow that Adam's private sanctuary had been violated, and, had he had any control over the situation at all, would never have allowed this lying stranger to so much as step foot in Adam's room. "I'm sorry, Adam," Joe murmured. Then Edwin came in and Joe turned to go, adding coldly, "Goodnight."  
"Goodnight, brother," the man replied suavely, for Hoss was coming up the stairs, but his eyes shot sparks of hate at Joe.  
Joe pulled the door shut, and, pushing past his older brother, almost ran down the stairs and out the door, slamming it behind him. Hoss hurried down the stairs behind him and stared at the closed door incredulously. His father walked into the great room just then. "What on earth got into him? I thought he'd be overjoyed to see Adam again!"  
"Yeah, I know, me too."  
"Well, maybe I'd better have a talk with him. He's gonna hurt Adam carryin' on like this!"  
"Let me talk to him, Pa, an' if I can't get anywhere you can try. I think I might have better luck with him."  
"All right, son, if you think it will help."  
Hoss nodded and left, heading to the barn where he knew Joe was. Joe was standing in Adam's horse's stall, his face buried in Sport's neck. "Hey, brother."  
"Hoss, please, leave me alone!" Joe's voice was choked with tears and Hoss laid a hand on his shoulder, but Joe, completely uncharacteristically, jerked away from his brother's touch.  
"Hey, boy, what's the matter with you? You was the one pinin' away for your big brother an' now that he's here you won't give him the time o' day! What's the matter, Joe?"  
"Oh, Hoss, he jus' isn't the way that I remember him!"  
"Why, he told ya he had a bad head injury, remember?"  
"Yeah, I remember," Joe mumbled. He mentally kicked himself; he was doing a very poor job of hiding his true feelings and he'd have to change that soon or Hoss would figure out something was up.  
"Well, what's wrong with it then? It'll come back with time. Now, you'd better go up to the house an' talk to Pa. He's sure `nough worried about ya."  
"Ok. Sorry, Hoss. I guess I was jus' a little too hasty." Joe conceded far too easily, but Hoss failed to notice this.  
"Ah, don't worry, punkin. Jus' talk to Adam in the mornin'. Now are you comin' with me or do I have to carry ya?"  
Joe grinned in spite of the awful pain in his heart. "Big brother, I think I'd rather walk. Come'n, let's go."  
Joe trailed along with his older brother to the house, and then waited until Hoss had gone upstairs to talk to his father. "Pa, I'm sorry. He just isn't the way I remember him an' I guess I was mad about that."  
"It's alright, son. I know how you feel. Jus' give him a little time. He'll loosen up in a while."  
"Ok, Pa."  
"You ready for bed now, son?"  
"No, Pa, I think I'll go check on Cooch before I go to bed."  
Ben chuckled. "Now, son, I'm sure that horse of yours is jus' fine, but you go right ahead anyway. I'll see you in the morning."  
Joe forced himself to grin back. "'night, Pa."


	2. Reality

As his father climbed the stairs, Joe went back out the door to the barn, buckling on his gun belt as he went. In the barn, he grabbed Adam's bridle from its place on the wall, and, after fingering it for a minute, slipped it over Sport's head and led him out of the stall. Cochise, his own stallion, nickered jealously at him and Joe patted him lightly on the shoulder. "Later, big fella. Don't worry, I'll work ya tomorrow."

Joe led Sport out of the barn and out of the ranch yard a little ways before springing up, bareback. Touching his heels to Sport's sides, he put him into a gallop and turned him down a narrow trail. Sport knew the trail by heart and Joe allowed himself to sob bitterly as Sport thundered down the trail. Finally, it broke out into an open area that overlooked a pristine lake, the Sierra Nevada Mountains mirrored in the water. Joe flung himself down from Sport, and, ground hitching him, fell sobbing to his knees. Reaching into his vest pocket, he withdrew a battered piece of paper and read the letter Adam had written to him when he'd left.

Dear Joe,

I'm sorry that I have to leave you, and I know how much it will hurt you, but I have to go. Maybe someday you'll understand, but I just have to get away. But don't worry, pal, I'll be back someday. This ranch will always be my home, no matter what, because that's where you and Hoss and Pa are. When I've gotten away for a little while and the pain from losing someone you love has faded a little, I'll be back.

When you get to missing me too much, Joe, go to our lake. I know I'm not there, but that was our special place and maybe somehow it will help a little. I won't ever forget that place, Little Joe, and I hope you won't either. It was the one place we could talk, wasn't it? Remember the day we found it? You were just about twelve and we had slipped away from the ranch just to go adventuring. We stumbled on that old deer trail and followed it until we came up on that lake. It was gorgeous that night, wasn't it? And Joe, remember, if you ever look up at the moon at that lake, well, I'm probably looking at it too and thinking of you.

Joe, I just want you to know that no matter where I am I'll always be there for you, no matter what. And Joe, even if I can't be there for you, God always will be. That's one promise I know that will never, ever be broken, little brother. When you get too lonely or scared or anything at all, Joe, you go to God. He'll help when no one else ever could, and that too is a promise that won't ever be broken. He's watching over you, Joe.

Joe, I know we've had some bitter, bitter arguments over the years, and I'm sorry for that, but I want you to know that you've become a man, Joe, and one that I'm proud to call my brother. Thanks for always being there for me. It's meant a lot. And thanks for all those fights you fought for me, pal. Oh, I know, I'm not supposed to know that, but, well, you told me an awful lot in a fever one time! Besides, Paul told me right before I left.

I've always loved you very deeply, Joe, and I always will. I'm sorry for the times I've made it seem as though I didn't. You're my little buddy, Joe, and you always will be, no matter what.

May God bless you and keep you, little buddy! I love you!

With Love,

Your brother,

Adam Philip Cartwright

Joe glanced up at the full moon and whispered hoarsely, "I understand, Adam. Oh, I understand. Adam, I just can't believe you'd be like that, even if you did have a head injury. I won't believe it, Adam. I'll put up with this, but when I can't live with it any longer, I'll come find you. If you're dead, well, I'll miss you very much, Adam, but at least I'll know that you aren't like this. Adam, even if you were mad at me, I think you'd still have love in your eyes. Actually, I know you would, `cause I've seen it there before. This man, whoever he is, he doesn't have any love. It's only hate, Adam, `cause I can give him away. Oh, Adam! Please come home, Adam, wherever you are! If there was ever a time when I needed you, it's right now. Adam!" Joe screamed chokingly as his world suddenly went black and he fainted from all the over-wrought emotions.

When he finally came to about an hour later, his best friend Candy Canaday was kneeling over him, gently bathing his face with a cloth he'd dampened from his canteen. Joe's eyes slammed closed, but not before Candy saw the tears in his eyes.

"Hey, pal, I brought you a bedroll. Thought I might find you here when I saw Sport was gone. Figured you might want to spend the night out here."

Joe smiled at him, but gently pushed Candy's hand away from his forehead. Much as he appreciated Candy's concern for him, the gentle touch reminded him altogether too much of the way Adam used to bathe his face when he was sick or hurt. "Thanks, Candy."

Candy smiled down at him, unhurt by Joe's refusal of his physical aid. He knew why Joe had done it and almost berated himself for doing something like that. Instead he laid a hand on Joe's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Joe," he said gently, his voice conveying far more than the words. He understood exactly how Joe was feeling. He had never met Adam, but he'd heard a lot about him from Joe and many others and was surprised at this change himself. Something just didn't seem right, somehow.

Joe lay still for a few moments, hesitating. Candy was his best friend and he trusted him implicitly, but would this revelation destroy their friendship? Joe honestly didn't think he could survive the deceit of the man claiming to be Adam without his best friend by his side. Finally he summoned the courage to speak. "That man...he's not my brother, Candy," Joe whispered, so softly that Candy almost didn't hear him.

"What do you mean, Joe? I know he's not like you remember him, but he's still your brother, buddy," Candy soothed gently.

His best friend shook his head vigorously. "No, Candy, he's not. He's an impostor - his eyes and the way he rides a horse...he's not my brother, Candy!"

"What! Joe, why on earth haven't you told Ben and Hoss and had him arrested?" Candy shot back, almost too astonished for words.

Joe sighed deeply, blinking back heavy tears. "You didn't see them when Adam left, Candy. It ripped the heart right out of them. You want to know why this ranch runs? It's because I run it, Candy. Without me, this ranch would go under, because Adam was Pa's right hand man so long he had no idea how to get on without him. I keep the books up, I keep on top of the contracts, I keep the ranch alive, Candy! If I tell them the truth, it might physically kill Pa. He misses Adam so much, Candy."

Candy felt as though his heart were breaking at Joe's soft admission. Rarely had he seen a love and devotion so deep. "Oh, Joe," he murmured, unsure of what to say. Much as he hated to admit it, he could see for himself that Joe was exactly right. He'd quietly observed the new arrival from the barn and something had felt off to him. It was true that he'd never met Adam Cartwright, but the way that Joe had talked about him seemed very little like the man Candy had met earlier in the day. Joe's reaction in particular had tipped Candy off. For someone who talked with pride and obvious love about his older brother nearly every day, it seemed highly incongruous that he'd greet Adam so coldly.

His gentle words were too much for Joe to handle at that moment, however, and he flung himself into Candy's strong embrace, sobbing tiredly. "I want my brother, Candy! I miss him so much!" Joe choked out. He'd had to keep his feelings under control for the past six months in order to be strong for Ben and Hoss and keep the ranch running. The stranger's arrival, however, had shattered his strength and he had to let it out somehow or he would burst.

Candy gently rubbed his best friend's back. In the six months he'd known him, he'd never seen Joe this upset and it unnerved him, but he was willing to help him anyway he could. "I know, buddy, I know," he whispered. He had no idea how long he sat there, cradling Joe as he sobbed his heart out, but his estimation was about twenty. Joe finally pulled away, but not before squeezing Candy's arm in a silent gesture of appreciation.

"Anything I can do?" he asked softly.

Joe looked up at him, his face flushed from the slight fever he'd brought on himself. He reached up and touched Candy's arm, letting it rest there for a second. "No, Candy, you've done a lot already. Please, jus' leave me alone an' pray for me. That's all anybody can do."

Candy nodded understandingly, and giving Joe's shoulder a final squeeze asked, "You be ok?"

Joe returned the nod faintly and sat up. "I'll be home sometime, Candy. Try not to worry about me. I'll be ok."

Candy nodded again and rose. With a final concerned glance at his friend, but deferring to his best friend's wishes, he walked to his horse and swung up. Without looking back, he put his bay into a lope and went off down the trail.


	3. A Lawman's Sense

Ignoring the fact that an impostor was living with them was completely draining to Joe, but with Candy's support and friendship, Joe managed to keep on. He was, however, greatly looking forward to the time when Ben took the so-called Adam to see the doctors in San Francisco. Surely then his family would understand, and regardless, he would have a break from his endless facade for a few days.

Sheriff Roy Coffee rode out to the ranch the afternoon before Adam, Ben and Hoss went to San Francisco to consult the doctors. He had seen little of his old friend in the past month, as he was consumed with Adam's recovery. Knowing when the Cartwrights dined and loving Hop Sing's cooking, he'd timed his visit to coincide with lunch. When he knocked on the door, Ben greeted him warmly. "Roy! Come on in! It's been too long! We're about to eat - won't you join us?"

Roy grinned. "Don't mind if I do!"

As he sat at the table and interacted with the men, however, he began to get a feeling he didn't like. Joe and Adam refused to speak to each other unless it was absolutely necessary, and Candy, seated next to Joe, seemed to radiate protectiveness of his friend. Roy knew there were times when Joe and Adam clashed, but somehow this didn't feel like one of them. When Ben admitted after lunch that he had to work on the books while Candy and Joe went down to the corral and gentled horses, Roy jumped at the opportunity. "I'll be headin' out then, Ben," he offered after they had enjoyed a quiet cup of coffee after the boys had left. "I might swing by the corrals and watch Joe and Candy work for a bit though. Those two have a real way with horses, although I'm surprised Adam's not down there too," he pried subtly.

Ben nodded. "He's disappointed, but I don't want to risk another head injury. He and Hoss rode out to check on the stock in the South Forty before we leave tomorrow."

"Ahh. Well, I'll be seein' ya, Ben," Roy said as he rose and offered Ben his hand. "No need to see me out - I know my way!" he added with a grin.

Ben chuckled as he turned to the unpleasant task of balancing the books. Roy, meanwhile, mounted his mare and headed down to the corrals. When he rode up, he saw Joe on a lithe black stallion. Candy was leaning against the fence, watching him, and Roy joined him. They watched in mutual awe as Joe seemingly became one with the horse, eventually riding it to a standstill. Both men cheered, as did several of the hands in the corral. It had been a beautiful ride. Joe was still grinning as he swung up on the next horse, a bay mare with plenty of spunk.

"Candy? What's goin' on around here? All my lawman's senses are telling me there's something wrong," Roy said suddenly.

Candy let out a deep sigh, never taking his eyes from Joe. "You got that right, Roy. But I'm not sure I should tell you."

"Not your place?"

"It's not that, Roy. It has to do with Ben, an' I know how close you are," Candy admitted bluntly.

Roy shrugged. "I can take it. `sides, I'll worry myself sick otherwise."

Candy's mouth quirked slightly. "Yeah, you might at that. Roy, I don't know any other way to soften this. That man is not Adam Cartwright - he's an imposter!"

"What? Candy, are you crazy?" Roy gasped, astonished.

"I wish I was. He's got everybody around here fooled but Joe an' me though. That so called head injury is just a cover for when he slips up."

"So even if this is true, exactly how does that look bad on Ben?"

Candy whirled on him, his temper flaring. "Look at Joe, Roy! He's lost weight, he can't sleep at night, an' he's runnin' this ranch, not Ben. You heard at the table - it was Joe that gave out the orders, not Ben! An' all Ben can think about is taking care of Adam! He's completely blind to how Joe is doing. That answer your question, Roy?" he snapped.

Roy was astonished at the foreman's sharp tone and started to chew him out, but then he remembered he had seen circles under Joe's eyes at the table. And it also explained Joe and Adam's behavior - even at their worst moments, there was still a love for each other evident in their eyes that had been noticeably absent today. "So why don't you have him arrested?" Roy asked softly past the lump in his throat.

Candy noted the change in the man's behavior and relaxed slightly himself. "I'd love to, but Joe won't let me. He says that it would kill Ben to realize that the man's a fake and Adam isn't really home. Much as I hate to admit it, he's exactly right. There's not much we can do."

In the corral, Joe had swung down from the mare and approached them. One look at his face told Roy that Joe knew that he knew. "I'm sorry, boy," Roy said gruffly.

"Thanks, Roy. Jus' don't tell Pa or arrest that man, all right?"

Roy had always liked Joe, but his estimation of the young man skyrocketed at that moment. "I won't. You ever need me, just come to me, all right?"

Joe nodded. "Thanks," he replied tiredly as Candy reached out and gripped his shoulder for a moment.

Unsure of what else to do or say, Roy mounted and rode away, his heart heavy with the knowledge that his best friend was slowly destroying his own son.


	4. The Darkest Night

Joe had struggled on with his facade, making sure that his father and Hoss had no inkling of just what was going on. And then one night he could bear it no more. Ben, Hoss and the other man had just gotten back from San Francisco. The doctor could find no reason for Adam's memory loss, but said that head injuries were tricky things and that his memory could come back in bits and pieces, or it would perhaps never come back. In the meantime, Adam was cleared to do work as long as he stopped if he felt the onset of a headache.

Joe sat through this explanation, astonishing himself that he was able plaster on a happy smile at the news. Soon after, however, he begged off, claiming that he was exhausted from busting broncs all afternoon. That was not a lie; however, it also was not the reason that he wanted to retreat to the sanctuary of his room. He stretched out on his bed and waited until the house was finally silent. With a cautious glance outside, he slipped out onto the porch roof and climbed down, barely noticing that he swayed dizzily from exhaustion and nearly fell.

In the barn he hesitated, trying to decide whether to take Cochise or Sport. He finally chose Cochise, but spent a long moment stroking Sport's silky nose and murmuring softly to him. Once he'd led Cochise a safe distance away from the house, he swung up and put the big paint into a hard gallop. Cochise seemed to read his master's anxiety, for he galloped long and hard, and did not slow until Joe finally guided him toward his lake. Once there, he swung down and carefully cooled the paint down before stripping him of saddle and bridle and currying him unhurriedly.

Once his horse had been taken care of, Joe gave him one last loving pat and walked resolutely down to the edge of the lake. He stood for a moment with his eyes closed, breathing deeply and hearing the waves lap gently against the shore less than a foot from his boots. He felt his racing heart begin to calm and after several long moments, he drew his gun. He cocked it and pressed the barrel against his temple. Suddenly Cochise whickered sharply, startling him enough that he opened his eyes for a moment. As he did, the moonlight reflecting off the surface of the lake caught him in the eye and he hesitated. Adam's letter suddenly felt very heavy in his pocket and he could almost hear his oldest brother's deep baritone saying, "No matter where I am, I always be there for you, no matter what." Joe's knees suddenly became exceptionally weak and he collapsed in the mud at the lake's edge, not quite conscious and not quite unconscious. He was not even aware that he was whispering his brother's name over and over as he laid there, the waves lapping at one outstretched hand, blood trickling from a shallow gash on the side of his forehead where he'd struck it when he went down.


	5. A Pain Not Meant to Be Borne Alone

Candy Canaday felt his heart actually stop for a few seconds when he saw Joe laying motionless at the edge of the lake. Surely he couldn't be too late! As soon as he'd realized that Joe had ridden out, he'd had a gut instinct that something was seriously wrong and decided to follow him, even though he knew Joe left almost every night. Heartsick, and still unsure of whether or not Joe was actually still alive, he was barely aware of a gut-wrenching cry of "Joe!" torn from his lips as he threw himself down from Tex and sprinted the last few yards to his best friend's side. His horror increased when he saw blood on Joe's face.

As he dropped to his knees beside Joe, heedless of the mud, he became aware that Joe was not dead, but was instead murmuring Adam's name repeatedly. With a silent but heartfelt prayer of thanks, Candy gently began to pry Joe's fingers from the trigger. Joe's eyes snapped open and recognition dawned, but he did not attempt to resist as Candy threw the gun over his shoulder. "Joe?" he whispered gently, tears burning in his eyes.

"Oh Candy, I thought...somehow I thought the doctor in San Francisco would see through that man's facade, and Pa an' Hoss would realize that man really isn't Adam! An' then when they came back an' they still believed, I just...I couldn't take it any more!" Joe was far too worn down emotionally and physically to try to hide what had just happened, besides the fact that he knew Candy would never believe anything but the truth anyway.

"Oh, Joe," Candy murmured in understanding.

That soft, caring voice completely snapped any resolve Joe had left and he flung himself desperately into Candy's arms, tears that he'd kept in for too long bursting out in a massive flood. He was terrified, mortified at what he'd almost done, and utterly and completely despondent. "Oh, Candy, I'm so sorry!" he choked out repeatedly.

Candy held him tight, one hand pressing Joe's head into his shoulder while the other rubbed gentle circles on his back. "Ssh, li'l buddy, it's okay. You're okay," Candy soothed over and over. His cheek pressed into Joe's head and his tears mingled with Joe's as they soaked into his jacket along with the blood from the gash on his forehead.

When Joe's tears had finally eased enough that he could speak again, he panted, "Candy, I'm a failure! Everything I was taught went down the drain tonight! How can you ever forgive me?"

Candy firmly pushed Joe back and grabbed his face with both hands, forcing him to look him straight in the eye. "Listen to me, Joseph Cartwright! What happened...or rather, didn't happen, tonight, does not make you a failure. It makes you a human being who had almost more than he could take. But what is far more important is what you didn't do! You didn't follow through with it, Joe, because something inside of you stopped you and told you that this was wrong and that you were stronger than the pain you're feeling."

A tiny quirk that remotely approached a smile appeared at the edge of Joe's mouth. "That was Adam's letter...and Cochise."

Candy nodded. "Well, I owe both of them a huge thanks, `cause buddy, I never say this, but you mean an awful lot to me. You're the family I never had," he revealed quietly, pulling Joe's head back against his chest for a moment. After a few seconds, he gently pushed him back once more. "You know, Joe, you don't have to carry this burden by yourself. I care about this ranch, an' I'll do anything in my power to help it, and I care about Adam even though I've never met him because you love him and he means so much to you - he's gotta be something special. I understand the pain too,...not of Adam, but of being driven to the point that you don't think you can take it anymore. I wanted to take my life too, Joe, but something stopped me just like it stopped you tonight."

Curious now, for Candy had never revealed this part of his life to him before, Joe looked deep into his best friend's eyes. "Candy?" he prodded gently.

Candy's hand strayed unconsciously to the back of his neck, where deep scars from a bullwhip reminded him of his past. "You know the story about the man who adopted me when my parents were killed. He whipped me the one time I tried to run away and I was ready to give up while I was sitting in the doctor's office. I had my gun out, just like you did, when the doctor came in. But instead of telling that man, he took the gun away and then sat down and listened to my story, and he convinced me that there was still hope, and he even told the judge for me, who managed to help me get away. But I understand the hopelessness and the deep-seated pain that you jus' can't take anymore. You feel like you're all alone in this world, and like nobody cares anymore. But listen to me, Joe! That's just not true! It's an awful, twisted lie. I care, an' I won't quit caring, no matter what, an' somewhere out there is Adam, an' he cares too. As long as there's life, there's hope, buddy. I'm not about to let you give up, Joe, do you understand? If that means we pack up tomorrow and track Adam down till we find him or we die, then so be it. But it's time you stop bearing this burden alone, `cause it just isn't yours to carry alone, buddy!" Candy concluded forcefully.

And Joe buried his face in Candy's chest and sobbed once more. But this time the tears were not of sorrow, but of healing because he realized that someone truly did understand and that there was still hope, no matter how bleak the picture seemed.

Candy held him tight until the tears stopped and Joe began to tremble from exhaustion and cold. He bent his head down to Joe, unsure of whether or not he was still awake. "Joe? Buddy? We've got to get you home and warmed up."

He barely felt the nod of Joe's head against his shoulder and he rose stiffly to his feet, pulling Joe up with him. With his bandana, Candy carefully wiped away the blood from Joe's face. Joe reached out a hand and lightly touched his face. "Thank you, Candy," he said sincerely. "I know I'm not alone now, thanks to you, and I won't ever be driven to suicide again."

Candy smiled broadly at him. "That's the best news I could hear, Joe. Now, come on, let's get you home before you end up with pneumonia," he added, handing Joe his gun once more while observing at the same time that his jeans were caked with mud. Joe wavered badly when he attempted to walk, so Candy wrapped his arm around his waist as he guided him to Cochise. They rode away from the lake without a backward glance.

When they got back to the ranch, Candy unsaddled the horses in the barn after wrapping his coat around Joe's trembling shoulders. After he'd hurriedly brushed them down, he helped Joe slip into the house and up to his room. There he made sure Joe was in the process of dressing in dry clothes before hurrying down the hall to do the same himself. When he'd finished, he slipped quietly back into Joe's room. He found Joe on the edge of the bed, clutching a picture of Adam to his chest, and murmuring a prayer. Candy's heart broke at the sight and he quietly crossed the room and seated himself beside Joe. "Come'n, pal, you really need some rest, buddy," he said gently.

Reluctantly, Joe agreed, allowing Candy to replace the photo of Adam on the nightstand beside his bed and stretching out in the bed. He drew the covers up tight around himself, still trembling slightly from the cold. Candy took the precaution of cleaning out the gash on Joe's forehead with water from his pitcher and a clean cloth. Despite the fact that it was not deep, he knew that head wounds could be tricky and decided to err on the side of caution. When he finished, he looked down to find Joe's sad eyes locked on his. "Candy? I don't know if I can face Pa tomorrow."

"Then sleep, Joe. I'll tell him you didn't sleep well and that you're not feeling well - that surely isn't a lie! And, contrary to popular belief, I can actually manage to run things for a day or two," he added with a teasing wink.

Joe snorted softly. "A day's pushin' it, friend," he shot back fondly, knowing that the opposite was actually true. Candy had a natural knack for running things smoothly and Joe had no problems leaving the ranch to Candy for a day while he recuperated. "An' I won't argue. I'm beat," he admitted quietly.

"I know. Sleep, Joe. I'll stick close by tomorrow and check in on you at some point, but don't worry about gettin' up or anything. You need rest."

As Candy got up to leave, Joe gripped his arm suddenly. "Candy? Thanks again for everything."

Candy smiled and nodded. "Of course!"


	6. A Painful Reminder

Joe learned to cope a little after his near suicide and heart to heart conversation with Candy. He still rode out to the lake about every other night, and never went to sleep before one or two in the morning, but he was finally able to function again. Candy seemed to sense whenever he was becoming too overwhelmed, and they would talk, but there were other times when Joe sought him out and poured out his heart to Candy. He managed to avoid working with Edwin for the most part, and on the rare occasion it was absolutely necessary, Candy always contrived to be around as well.

He knew he couldn't avoid the man forever,however, and one day far out in the north pasture he was forced to face the moment he dreaded. Joe was riding Sport, refusing to allow the man the triumph of riding his brother's horse - not that the rangy sorrel would have accepted him anyway. Both Joe and Edwin had been tight lipped and silent the entire ride, so when Joe swung down, he expected that to continue. What he did not expect was the bigger man to leap down from his horse, grab his shirt collar, and shove him roughly into Sport. The gelding was far more skittish than Cochise and leaped to the side, throwing Joe off balance and sending him crashing to the ground, the other man on top of him.

"All right, Cartwright, talk. We both know I'm not Adam Cartwright - I can see it in your eyes all the time...so why haven't you given me in?" the man growled menacingly.

"An' let you hurt my family? It would destroy Pa and Hoss if they found out you weren't Adam Cartwright," Joe shot back angrily.

"So no matter what happens, you won't give me away?"

"Not till Adam comes home," Joe replied forcefully. "He comes home, you will leave, an' if you do anything at all to hurt him, I will be quite happy to shoot you."

Edwin grinned menacingly. "Well, in that case..." He let his sentence trail off before proceeding to beat Joe mercilessly, taking care to avoid his face and arms where the bruises would draw the wrong kind of attention. Joe did his best to resist, but the larger man's weight kept him pinned, not to mention the fact that he was exhausted and shocked by the unexpected attack. By the time he finished, Joe was groaning in agony and curled onto his side. Edwin ran his hand down Joe's face mockingly, having spied several of the times that Candy had done the same when comforting Joe. Joe shivered violently and tried to pull away, but there was no place for him to go and the man laughed manically. "That, my friend, is just the start. Don't forget - you can't turn me in!" With that, he delivered a wicked kick to Joe's shinbone before he turned away with an evil laugh and rode away, leaving Joe lying motionless in the dirt.

After several moments, Joe painfully dragged himself to his feet and stumbled toward Sport, limping badly because of his injured leg. Sport snorted and pranced anxiously a few feet away. "Easy, Sport," Joe murmured, extending one hand toward his brother's horse. "Come'n, big fella, I need your help here. You gotta get me home, Sport."

Calming slightly, although his nostrils still flared, the big sorrel stood still as Joe grabbed the reins and carefully swung into the saddle. "Atta boy, Sport," Joe muttered as he turned in the direction of the ranch house.

Candy had been far out on the range the previous night and therefore not around when Joe rode out with Edwin, but he was breaking a horse in the corral when Joe rode back in. One glance at his best friend's face, not to mention the way he was slumped dangerously in the saddle, warned Candy that there was something seriously wrong.

"Joe!" he yelled anxiously. He swiftly freed the colt and scrambled over the fence, reaching Joe just as he toppled from the saddle into his arms. "Joe, what happened to you, pal?" He saw no evidence of a fight on Joe's face, but the younger man was pale and his breathing seemed slightly labored.

"Had...to go to...work with that...man," Joe panted. "Got up to the north pasture an'...he swung at me. Sport shied an' I went down...dumb horse," he added fondly. "He proceeded...to beat...me up `cause he knows...I won't...turn him in. He's smart...enough to not...hit me on the...face," he concluded with a dry cough that worried Candy deeply.

Candy's frown would have curdled milk, and he had to fight to resist the intense urge to seek the impostor out and beat him within an inch of his life. "Come'n, let's get you in the house an' patched up," he said through clenched teeth, still fighting to control his rage.

"Pa an' Hoss..." Joe began.

"...aren't around. Ben's on his way to Carson, an' Hoss is checkin' on the cattle branding," Candy interupted, anticipating Joe's question.

"Hop Sing?" Joe protested.

"If he hasn't figured out that fella's not Adam Cartwright, he's not half as smart as I give him credit for."

"`kay," Joe mumbled in resignation, his head unconsciously falling against Candy's shoulder, knowing he was too weak and sore to walk.

As Candy carried his too-light burden toward the house, recognizing the same thing, he asked softly in Joe's ear, "Did you sleep at all las' night?"

Joe, too tired to lie, replied softly. "No. Couldn't. I was scared of that man, an'...well, I couldn't talk to you. Went out to the lake an' didn't come back till breakfast."

"Joe! You didn't...didn't have thoughts again, did you?" Candy demanded, his heart pounding heavily, which had nothing to do with carrying Joe.

Joe grinned faintly. "No, Candy. I promised you I'd never have that thought again, an' I meant it. No, I jus' got scared for some reason, an' I truly couldn't stay in the house. I don't like that feeling, Candy."

"No wonder," Candy muttered as he gently laid Joe on his bed and began helping him out of his shirt. "Joe, you don't think he'll do you real harm do you?" he asked.

"No, I think he just likes knowing that in some sense he has control over me. And Candy...he...he touched my face, Candy," he added in a strained whisper. He hated to tell his friend, anticipating his reaction, but he couldn't keep that in, as it had scared him far more than the beating.

Candy had started to nod, but at Joe's words, he violently kicked the bed, ignoring, or perhaps even welcoming, the pain that lanced momentarily through his foot. "That does it, Joe!" he barked angrily, his anger not directed at his friend but rather the helplessness of the whole situation. "He lays a finger on you again, an' we're either leaving this ranch or we're turning him in, regardless of your father an' brother. I don't want a man's blood on my hands, but at this point I'm honestly not too sure it'd rest that heavy on my conscience," Candy growled. "I'm not leaving the ranch overnight ever again," he added.

Joe reached out a hand and squeezed Candy's hand, hard, feeling the muscles tense and trembling beneath his hand. "Easy, Candy. Don't go doin' anything you'd regret later, but I'll agree to either turn him in or go find Adam if he lays a hand on me again."

"Good," Candy replied tersely, gently running his hands down Joe's ribs. He winced when Joe flinched at a particularly tender spot. "Sorry, pal. Amazingly, I don't think there's anything broken, but you'll be sore for a few days. You will stay in bed the rest of the day - no protests. I'll tell Ben that you got thrown when Sport shied at something - at least you were riding Sport an' not Cooch - he'd never believe you fell off Cochise. I'll go down an' get some bandages from Hop Sing in a minute. He didn't do any other damage, did he?"

"Kicked me in the shin...stings a bit," Joe downplayed dryly. In honesty, his shin throbbed mercilessly and he wasn't at all sure it wasn't fractured.

Candy rolled his eyes, recognizing from the tension in Joe's voice that it was much worse than he cared to admit. "Which one?"

"Left - of course."

Candy let out a dry chuckle as he rolled up the pant leg. Joe's shin was indeed badly bruised and swollen, but after several minutes of careful examination, Candy was able to determine it was not broken. "It's not broken, Joe, but that's one nasty bruise. I'll get some ice too - be right back."

Joe nodded faintly, and by the time Candy returned, he'd slipped into a light doze. He woke easily when Candy touched his shoulder lightly, dispelling his friend's fears about a possible concussion. When Candy had finished wrapping Joe's ribs and bandaging his leg, he squeezed his shoulder gently. "Sleep, Joe - you need it. I've gotta finish working that colt, but if you need something, holler for Hop Sing. I'll be back to check on you later."

"`kay, thanks," Joe whispered sleepily, shifting to find a more comfortable position. When Hop Sing came up to check on him about an hour later, he was sound asleep.

Hop Sing woke him gently. "Mista Joe!"

Joe grunted. "Hmm?" he mumbled, still half asleep. "Whatsa matter, Hop Sing?" he slurred.

"Hop Sing make poultice for shin bone. Mista Candy tell Hop Sing much swollen. Poultice remove heat, reduce swelling, make numba three son walk much easier much sooner."

Awake by now, Joe sat up and watched in fascination as the gentle man swiftly packed a poultice around his leg before re-bandaging it. "Thanks, Hop Sing."

Hop Sing turned to face him before leaving. "Hop Sing think Mista Candy fine friend. Hop Sing know "Mista Adam" no really numba one son, but know it would destroy Mista Cartlite. Hop Sing keep secret, but if Mista Joe eva need him, he come. Understand?"

Joe grinned and rattled off in Chinese, "You bet, Hop Sing. Thank you!"

A wide smile broke the Chinaman's face. "You good man, Joe Cartlite. Hop Sing proud call you friend."

"An' I'm proud to call you my friend," Joe replied sincerely.

Still grinning broadly, Hop Sing left, but he called over his shoulder. "You need, you just holler. Hop Sing come!"

Feeling safer and more content than he had for a while, despite the pain in his body, Joe rolled over and slept. For once his sleep was untroubled by nightmares and when he woke again late that night, Candy was curled up fast asleep in an uncomfortable chair. Joe grinned faintly, knowing Candy was almost certainly guilt ridden from not being there the previous night and trying to atone for what he felt was a grievous error. "Candy!" he called softly.

Candy's eyes snapped open. "Joe! You okay?" he demanded, even as he observed that Joe's face was far more and calm than it had been for some time.

"Go to bed, Candy. I'm fine, an' you need sleep too. I'll holler if I need you."

Candy hesitated for a moment, torn between staying with his injured friend and going to his own bed, but exhaustion and a severe neck-ache won out. "All right, but make sure you call if you need me."

"Promise. Now go!" Joe admonished gently.


	7. Revelation

Joe and Candy swung down in front of the general store. For once, Joe was actually feeling fairly happy - he and Candy had enjoyed a pleasant ride into town, and he had even let loose his famous giggle, which Candy hadn't heard in over three months. In fact, he felt safe enough to let his guard down for a while. Watching him, Candy found himself relaxing and could see from Joe's posture that he had unwound and relaxed as well. They swung down and entered the store, laughing at a joke Joe had just told. Unbeknownst to them, all that was about to change.

The store owner, Tim Gallagher, was a man with a loose tongue, who rarely, if ever, thought about the consequences of his words. As Joe and Candy were checking out, he remarked casually, "Funny seein' you without Adam, Joe. You two used to be so close, but now you an' Candy are the inseparable ones. How's Adam doin' anyway? I haven't seen him for a couple weeks."

The man rambled on, but halfway through Gallagher's second sentence, Joe had tossed aside the package he was holding and bolted out the door. Candy remained rooted in place for a couple seconds longer, too astonished to move, before following him on a run.

Joe barely made it to the edge of the porch before he retched violently, then collapsed to his knees, his heart racing out of control and his breath coming in short, painful gasps. Tears were streaming down his face by the time Candy reached his side. "Easy, Joe, easy," Candy soothed, laying a hand on Joe's back and gripping his arm hard with the other while all the while stifling his own fear at Joe's reaction as well as his anger at the store manager.

Joe was gasping for air, and his face was becoming pale. One hand embedded itself in Candy's shirt. "Can't...breathe, Candy," he choked out.

Instantly Candy eased him back until he was lying flat on the porch. Joe immediately curled in on himself as great rivers of sweat streaked down his face. Without hesitation, Candy ripped open Joe's collar and sleeves, trying to help his best friend get more oxygen. Candy was becoming unnerved and grabbed Joe's hand as he realized that hadn't helped at all. "Joe! Deep breaths, boy! You've got to calm down!" he ordered firmly.

To his credit, Joe tried, but he was so completely and totally drained both emotionally and physically that he no longer had that kind of control. Candy recognized this and pulled him into his arms, ignoring the astonished stares of the small crowd of bystanders that had gathered. He hurried down the street to Paul Martin's office, noting with horror that Joe had lost so much weight that this wasn't even hard any more. He shoved the door open, startling Paul, who quickly regained his composure. "Candy! What happened to him?" Paul demanded, ushering Candy and Joe into the exam room.

"Panic attack," Candy replied, fear sharpening his words. "Tried to get him to control his breathing, but he can't."

"Okay, lay him down," Paul barked, whirling away. When he returned a few seconds later, he had a syringe in his hand. "Joe, I'm just going to give you an injection to help you sleep. When you wake up you're going to feel exhausted, but your breathing will be normal again."

Without waiting for a response, Paul plunged the syringe into Joe's arm and within seconds Joe felt his body relaxing as the powerful drug took over. Knowing it would help, but still frightened by the sensation, he grabbed Candy's hand and hung on desperately as his exhausted body gave in and succumbed to the blackness of a dreamless sleep.

Once it was apparent that Joe was asleep and his heart rate and breathing were returning to normal, Candy gently removed his hand from Joe's grip and ran a shaky hand through his hair. "What happened, Candy?" Paul demanded again.

"Panic attack, Paul. Somebody mentioned how close he and Adam used to be and he couldn't handle it."

Paul shook his head sadly. "What did happen, Candy? They used to be so close! And Joe's in bad shape." The young man lying unconscious on the bed in front of him had lost weight to the point of being gaunt, there were circles under his eyes, and he radiated exhaustion.

Candy waited a few beats before responding slowly. "That man...he's not Joe's brother, Paul."

"What? How is that possible?" Paul demanded, astonished.

"The man's an impostor! That's not Adam Cartwright, Paul!"

Paul gaped at Candy. "Then why on earth hasn't Ben had him arrested?"

"Ben doesn't know, Paul, and neither does Hoss. Joe won't turn him in because he brought back the happiness that his family lost. He runs that ranch himself, Paul. That's why he's so sick."

Paul felt sick as he listened to Candy's revelation. Ben Cartwright was his best friend and he was well known for his deep love for all of his sons. A part of him wanted to reject Candy's story as a lie, and he opened his mouth to say as much, but then he looked at the unconscious figure on the bed in front of him and knew that much as he hated to admit it, Candy had to be right. He sighed deeply. "Oh, Ben, what have you done?"

Candy frowned as they both looked at Joe's emaciated figure. "How can he be so blind, Paul?" he asked softly, his voice pleading for an answer.

Paul shook his head sadly. "That is something I just can't answer, Candy, especially considering I've been so blind myself. I knew Joe had lost weight, but I just attributed it to working hard. I never guessed there might be a deeper reason behind it. I feel almost as much at fault as Ben."

The foreman looked at the kindly doctor with a gaze full of compassion. "Don't blame yourself, Doc. Joe tried his best to hide it an' he actually does a great job except around me. Roy knows, but I highly doubt anybody else in town does."

"I admire your restraint, Candy. If I were around this all the time, I'm not at all sure what I'd do."

Candy smiled grimly. "Oh trust me, if it weren't for Joe forbidding me from it, you'd have been treating the so-called Adam Cartwright for severe injuries compliments of my fists. He beat the tar outa Joe not too long ago when I wasn't around - almost broke his shin - but what really got me was that he had the gall to run his hand down Joe's cheek. I was patchin' him up when he told me that an' I just about broke my foot when I kicked the bed. That's Adam's an' now kinda my prerogative, not some interloper's who's deliberately trying to hurt him. I have no clue how Joe has the strength to first of all not give him away and second of all restrain himself. An' I'd surely love to give Ben a piece of my mind," he added bitterly. He contemplated telling him about Joe's near suicide, but decided that fact was something so deeply private only Joe should reveal it if he so chose.

"And Joe can't even write to him," Paul observed sadly.

"Nope. Sure hope he comes home soon, `cause I'm not sure how much more Joe can take. Although I did get him to promise to let me take him an' go looking for Adam if that man ever lays a hand on him again."

"Good. Candy, listen, if he gets any worse, I want you to bring him in right away. He can't stand to lose any more weight without being in danger. Now, I want you to take him home an' put him to bed. Normally I'd tell you to let him stay here, but Ben will get suspicious. He might kinda wake up, but he'll be groggy. Think you can manage?"

Candy grinned slightly. "`Course I can."

Paul smiled back sadly. "Let him sleep it off tonight - you can tell Ben that he had a hard time breathing in town and so I sedated him." He hesitated as Candy carefully pulled Joe's limp form into his arms. "Oh, and Candy? If you ever need to talk, I'm here." He'd noticed Candy's slight hesitation earlier and perceived what had almost happened. Knowing Candy, Paul knew it had to have badly shaken him, hence his offer.

This time the younger man gave a genuine smile. "Thanks, Paul. It means a lot. Now, could you hold my horse for a moment?"

Paul waited until Candy had ridden out of sight, Cochise obediently trotting alongside despite not being led, before he allowed himself to shed a tear. Disconcerted at the foreman's revelation, he wandered down the street to Roy Coffee's office.


	8. Honesty Is the Best Policy

He felt sick as he cradled Joe's limp body against his chest. How on earth Ben couldn't see how much his youngest son was hurting was far beyond the realms of Candy's comprehension. Joe stirred faintly against his chest, only half awake. "Candy? I want my brother, Candy. Where's Adam?"

Candy pressed Joe's arm tightly. "Ssh, rest, buddy. He'll be home soon, I promise," Candy soothed, knowing he was almost certainly lying but also recognizing that Joe was too exhausted to really absorb his words anyway.

"Good," Joe mumbled, and leaned back into Candy's chest, sleeping once more. A single tear ran unbidden down Candy's cheek and he swiped it away angrily. His rage at Ben was growing by the minute and he knew he had to calm himself somehow. When he finally rode into the ranch yard a few minutes later, Dan King was working in the hayloft and hurried out to meet him. "Candy! What happened to Joe? Is he hurt?" Dan demanded, horrified.

Too upset to speak, Candy simply shook his head and gently lowered his unconscious friend into Dan's waiting arms, before swinging down and pulling Joe against him once more. "Bunkhouse," he said sharply, and to Dan's credit, he hurried ahead to open the door without saying a word in question, although his eyebrow did raise sharply. Candy eased Joe down onto a spare bed in the bunkhouse. With a curt order to Dan to watch him, he stormed out of the bunkhouse and up to the great house. Not even bothering to knock, he threw open the front door and marched inside, oblivious to the astonished stares of Hoss. Flinging the door shut behind him with a slam, he marched up to Ben's desk. "Cartwright, I need to talk to you," he growled, jerking off his hat and planting both hands firmly on the desk, leaning over so he was staring deep into Ben's eyes.

"Canaday! What's gotten into you?" Ben demanded, shocked. Normally the foreman was respectful, even when he disagreed with his boss. And never in the year he had been here had Ben ever heard Candy address him by his last name.

"You're what's gotten into me!" Candy shot back harshly. "Can't you see Joe is wasting away before your eyes? I was in town with him today an' when someone brought up how close he an' Adam used to be, he had a panic attack, to the point that Doc Martin had to give him a sedative. An' all you're concerned with is how Adam is doing. You've given him the easiest jobs an' haven't even noticed the fact that your other son has literally run himself into the ground. He's lost weight, he's got circles under his eyes, he can't sleep, an' all you're concerned with is how Adam's holdin' up!"

"But Adam was seriously injured! And exactly what right do you have to be telling me what to do with my own sons?" Ben retorted, furious.

"That might be true, but he's certainly healed up by now! You had him seen by the best specialist in San Francisco, who saw no evidence of problems. An' I've got the right of caring about my best friend, not to mention that as foreman of all the hands on this ranch - including your son - when I see a problem with a hand, also including your son, it's my job to correct it! Now, you straighten up your act, or I'm takin' Joe an' goin' somewhere where you can't find us. That's a promise, an' Steve Hoffman'll help me," Candy shot back angrily.

Ben stared, his face a blank sheet of astonishment, at his gutsy young foreman. "I could fire you," he threatened finally.

"You could," Candy acknowledge honestly, "but if you do, I'm takin' Joe. You know both of us can hide our trail like an Indian – I promise you nobody'll find us. I don't want to go that far, but you keep treating Joe like he doesn't matter anymore, an' I will do jus' that." Leaving Ben staring at him with mouth agape, Candy whirled on his heel and marched out of the room. While he felt slightly better for venting some of his rage at his employer, he couldn't get over the fact that it didn't appear to have affected Ben's thinking at all. He shook his head in frustration and astonishment as he headed back to the bunkhouse to take care of Joe. "Help me, God," he pleaded silently just before he opened the door and took over for Dan, realizing he did feel slightly better for having unleashed a bit of his frustration at his boss.


	9. The Real Return

Adam Cartwright rode up to the Ponderosa ranch house late that night. The house was dark and he grinned. He'd just slip inside and into his own room. He knew that Ben would check his room in the morning purely from old habit and he'd find his oldest son back home again. He quietly opened the barn doors and led the rented horse inside; relieved somebody had finally followed his advice and oiled the hinges. Sport saw him and nickered, excited to see his old master at last. A bright smile lit up Adam's face, and, digging into his saddlebags, he drew out a lump of sugar. Sport lipped it up and nudged him gently with his nose. Adam stroked his neck for a minute, then slipped Cochise a lump of sugar, too. Cochise whinnied softly and Adam patted him, then headed toward the house.

Upstairs, in Joe's room, Ben, Hoss, and Candy were struggling in vain to comfort Joe, who was screaming in a horrible nightmare. Candy and Ben were pointedly ignoring each other – their concern over Joe's wellbeing was the only thing that kept them from going at each other's throats. Hoss, meanwhile, felt no animosity toward Candy or his father. The giant man was willing to accept anyone, and cared deeply about both of his brothers.

"Oh, Adam, please come home! I need you, Adam! Adam!"

Hoss shook his head as he shook Joe's shoulders in an effort to wake him. "Pa, I sure wish Adam would come to him. He needs Adam, Pa."

"I know, son, I know. But I really don't think it would help even if Adam would come. Joe's convinced his brother isn't here an' it wouldn't help." Candy said nothing, but had Ben or Hoss actually taken the time to look at him, they would have noted the muscle in his jaw popping from the tension of retaining his anger.

Adam crept up the stairs, hearing his brother crying out for him and his father and brother trying to comfort him. He was surprised, as he crested the top of the stairs, to find his own door closed, and snores coming from there. Candy or some friend of the family perhaps? And then Adam knew that it couldn't be. No friend of Joe's would remain in bed while Joe was screaming like that. Adam began to tiptoe down the hall, wondering whether or not he should go in to Joe.

In Joe's room, Joe had finally woken up from his drugged sleep and Hoss pulled him into his arms. "Easy, punkin. It's alright."

"No it isn't, Hoss! I need my brother! I want Adam to come home!" Suddenly, Joe's eyes went to the door as it was pushed open slightly. His eyes flared wide with shock and he whispered, "Adam?" Then he sagged back against Hoss's arm in a dead faint. Ben, Candy and Hoss whipped around in surprise as Adam dropped his carpet bag and leaped forward in horror. "Adam?" they demanded in one voice.

Hoss eased Joe back against the pillow and sprang to his feet along with his father. Candy remained seated on the bed, one hand resting protectively on Joe's shoulder. "Pa? Hoss? Candy? What's goin' on here? What's wrong with Little Joe?"

Ben looked at Hoss, tears of remorse shining bright in his eyes. "I guess Joe an' Candy were right all along, Hoss." Hoss nodded, tears in his eyes, too. He couldn't believe he'd fallen for the fake Adam, and could only hope his own brothers could someday forgive him.

Although his focus was on his brother, Adam nonetheless was fully aware of the animosity hanging thick in the room between Candy and Ben. Clearly something was going on here and Adam was determined to find out what. "Pa? What on earth are you talkin' about? An' who's in my room?"

"Adam, there's a man here who claimed to be you. Hoss an' I believed him an' Joe, well Joe never believed him. He looks enough like you to be your twin and we didn't know any better, son. He acted like you, he talked like you, and he claimed to have had a head injury, so what he didn't know, he figured out."

"You mean somebody took my place?" At Ben's sad nod, Adam continued, "An' Lil' Joe never believed him? No wonder he was cryin' out like that."

"Yes, son."

Adam's eyes squinted shut in mental pain, but not before he noticed Candy's jaw clench hard. Clearly Candy thought Ben ought to have known better, and Adam was more than inclined to agree. "Pa, leave me alone with him for a while. We can talk more in the morning."

"What about that man?"

"I'll deal with him in the morning." Not to mention the fact that I will be dealing with you in the morning. "Now, Pa, please, let me be with my brother." Despite the please, Adam's words were far more of an order and Ben conceded, noting that Candy had risen and was standing slightly behind Adam. Candy's tense posture mirrored Adam's, and he knew that if he resisted, neither would hesitate to remove him from the room.

Ben nodded and he and Hoss left quietly, going to their rooms. Candy's hand rested on Adam's shoulder for an instant before he left, and Adam looked up at him, nodding gratefully. They'd never met, but Adam had sensed immediately the bond between Joe and Candy, and understood that if anybody had gotten Joe through this, it was Candy. Before the younger man could walk away, Adam caught his hand and squeezed, his silent thank you. Candy smiled faintly and murmured, "I'll be out in the barn if you need me. Can't stay in this house tonight." Adam nodded in understanding and turned his attention back to Joe as Candy left the room. Then Adam crawled into the bed beside his brother just as he had when Joe was a little boy and frightened by nightmares. He pulled Joe close against his chest as Joe's head began to toss from side to side as he woke up. "Adam…Adam…oh, Adam!"

"Ssh, little buddy. I'm here now. It's alright, buddy," Adam murmured.

Joe's eyes opened wide and he stared in disbelief at the man holding him close. "Oh, Adam! It is you!" he choked as tears began to stream unchecked down his face. Adam sat up, lifting Joe into his arms and gently rubbing his back. Joe buried his face against Adam's neck, feeling the tiny scar there that only he knew about, for Adam only held Joe in his arms like this. Adam cupped his hand against the back of Joe's head and held it there, soothing softly, "Oh, Joe, it's all right now, little buddy. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, but it's all over now. Jus' let it out, pal."

Joe sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes while Adam rested his head against Joe's and wept softly himself for the pain of his brother. Finally Joe cried himself dry and he pulled away a little, but remained leaning heavily against Adam. He gazed up into his brother's eyes and saw the warmth and concern and love written plain in Adam's eyes and he murmured, "Oh, Adam, it was awful."

Adam studied his brother for a second, realizing with a shock just how horrible he looked. His absence must have truly ripped his brother apart, for Joe's face was pale, he'd lost weight and his eyes were haunted with the memory of deep pain. "Joe," he said softly. "Can you tell me?"

"Only you, Adam. You're the only one that will ever know. It just hurts so much. I…will it ever go away, Adam?"

"I think it will, buddy, if you can jus' let it all out. You'll never forget, but the pain will all fade with time. It'll take a long time, but Candy will, and it looks like already has been, helping you, I'll help you, and, most important, God will help you. You've just got to believe that. Remember, Joe, there's no one that loves you more than God does."

"I know, Adam. I learned that over these months. I couldn't talk to Pa or Hoss or…or you, Adam, so I went to God. Nearly every night, I'd either go out on the roof or I'd go out to our lake an' I'd sob jus' like I did tonight, an' then I'd pray until one or two in the morning. It was the only way I could live, Adam, the only way I could keep on going. Candy believed me right away, Roy after a while, an' today Paul finally believed me, I think, although I never told him at all. Adam, there was one or two times when I began to doubt myself, but I jus' couldn't give up. An' now, tonight, I know I was right. I'm so glad I didn't give up."

Adam pulled Joe's head against his shoulder again and held it there for an instant, too overwhelmed to speak. Then he released Joe's head, but kept his arms securely around him, holding him close to his chest, giving him the strength he needed. Joe, too mentally and physically exhausted to talk anymore for a few minutes, rested his head against Adam's chest. The even beat of his brother's heart close to his ear helped sooth his frayed nerves and he sighed deeply. Adam took Joe's hand in his upon hearing him sigh and began to rub circles on the back of Joe's hand with his thumb. "It's ok, Joe," he whispered gently. Joe closed his eyes for a few seconds. He felt safe in Adam's strong embrace and he almost even forgot whoever the man was who had tried to replace Adam. Then a violent shudder rushed through him and he felt Adam pull him closer. "I'm sorry, Adam," he whispered, his voice shaking with emotion.

"Easy, Joe, easy," Adam murmured. "Don't be sorry. Everything's ok now. When you feel you can talk, you can tell me about it. Don't rush yourself, pal. I've got as long as you need. I'll sit here all night if it will help at all."

"It does help, a lot. Adam, can I have some water?" he asked, although he was thoroughly reluctant to let go of Adam, half-afraid that if he did, he'd wake up and find it all had been a dream.

Adam sensed the reluctance and still supporting his brother with one arm, leaned over and poured a glass for him. Joe took it and drank it slowly, while Adam pulled the bandana from around his neck and, soaking it with water, began to gently bathe Joe's tear-streaked face. That broke whatever last bit of control Joe had over his emotions, and he collapsed against Adam's shoulder, clinging desperately to him. "Li'l buddy, what's wrong? What'd I do?" Adam demanded softly, arms going around him.

"…kid…comfort…Candy tried…not…only you," Joe choked out. His words were broken and barely intelligible, but Adam understood and ran his hand through Joe's hair.

"Oh, Joe," Adam sighed softly.

"So good. So good to hear you call me little buddy again. I feel safe again, finally. I thought…I thought I was going insane, Adam!" Joe murmured.

Adam chuckled softly. "No, little buddy. Not you, ever."

"Adam? Please – don't ever leave me again!"

"No, Joe. I'm home to stay. I'm not leavin' again. Home is where the heart is…well, my heart was never in Boston, buddy. Only way I'm leavin' is in a coffin."

Joe smiled for the first time and Adam felt his tense muscles relax against him. "Good," he whispered.

"Hey pal, whatcha say you an' me go off in the mountains somewhere for a few weeks, jus' the two of us?"

Joe raised his head from Adam's shoulder. "Really, Adam?"

Adam grinned. "Really. We'll take as long as we want – won't even tell Pa an' Hoss where we're goin'. Sound good?"

"No – sounds amazing," Joe corrected with a soft grin. "Betrayal…betrayal hurts, Ad," he murmured, reverting to his nickname for his oldest brother that he hadn't used since he was ten.

Adam's hand slid behind his neck and pulled his head against his chest once more. Just how far gone was Joe to revert to that old nickname? "Oh, buddy, I know." _Trust me, I know. How could my own family do this to me? How could only my little brother who used to argue with me every day an' a man who'd never even met me remain loyal to me when hardly anybody else did?_ Not wanting to deal with that painful thought at the moment, he ducked his head down to look into Joe's eyes. "Hey, did you take care o' Sport for me? He looks awfully good."

This time a tired but genuine grin split Joe's face. "Ask Cooch," he muttered. "Made my own horse jealous, Ad. I rode him every other day, an' when I went out to our lake, it was usually Sport that I rode, not Cooch. You owe that paint o' mine a carrot or two, big brother."

Adam chuckled softly. "He can have a whole bushel-full as far as I'm concerned. Thanks, little bro."

"`course," Joe whispered groggily. His head was starting to nod now, and Adam gently lowered him back down to the bed, never breaking contact with him. Physical affection was not something he himself sought after, but Joe had always craved it, and somehow when it came to his little brother, Adam was much less hesitant. Not to mention that this time he didn't want to let go any more than Joe did.

"Sleep, li'l buddy. I'm not goin' anywhere. An' we'll take care o' that man tomorrow, okay?"

Joe's only response was to burrow against Adam, head resting on his chest. Even, deep breathing almost instantly indicated that he was sound asleep. With a soft smile and a tender kiss on Joe's flushed forehead, Adam pulled the blanket over them both, arms wrapped around Joe. They hadn't done this in years, but Adam felt that any barriers that had remained between them had been destroyed once and for all tonight.


	10. Questions

Candy Canaday slipped into the great house early the next morning. As he'd told Adam the night before, he'd spent the night in the barn in a deep pile of hay after brushing Cochise and talking to him for a good hour. His mouth quirked slightly at that - all the times he'd teased Joe about doing the same thing, but he had found it to be truly calming. Somewhat to his astonishment, he'd actually slept deeply and felt refreshed for the first time in weeks. With a quick glance to ensure that Ben wasn't around, Candy hurried up the stairs and quietly entered Joe's room. He wasn't overly surprised to see Adam awake, one hand resting on his still-sleeping brother's shoulder.

Adam smiled at the foreman, taking in the lean cowboy. The man's laid-back posture might have given the indication that he was soft, but while it was evident that he was compassionate from his treatment of Joe, the barely concealed fire had been plain in his eyes the night before as well. Adam found much in this man to approve.

"Morning, Candy," he murmured softly before slipping out of bed without disturbing Joe. He advanced toward the younger man, his hand outstretched. "Sorry I didn't actually introduce myself last night. I'm Adam Cartwright, and I'm eternally grateful for to you for taking care of my brother."

Candy relaxed completely. He knew Adam had been sizing him up for the simple reason that he had done the same. The overwhelming sense he got was that Adam was a man full of compassion and strength. It was little wonder Joe looked up to his oldest brother so much. "No apology or thanks needed, Adam. Joe spoke so highly of you that when that other man showed up, I knew it couldn't possibly be you. I had a few doubts for a couple of hours, but Joe quickly squashed those completely. His loyalty to you was unswerving, Adam. You've a right to be proud."

At mention of the man who'd nearly destroyed Joe, Adam's face darkened. Candy's mood quickly sobered. "Want me to ride into town and get the sheriff, Adam? Impersonating a man is a serious crime."

Adam hesitated for a second, considering once more. "No, Candy. I had plenty of time to think last night after he fell asleep. Much as I want to see him punished, think what it would do to Joe. Having to testify about all of that would just about kill him, particularly since...since Pa's acceptance was at the heart of it." The catch in Adam's voice was almost imperceptible, but nothing on earth could hide the pain in his eyes.

Candy's hand reached out almost on its own and gripped his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Adam," he whispered gently.

Adam blinked back a tear harshly. "Hardly your fault, friend," he dismissed, making it clear that the topic was no longer to be discussed, at least at the moment.

Candy, to his great credit, understood immediately. "What do you want done with him then, Adam?"

"I'm going to kick him off the place. He ever comes back again, he won't survive," Adam replied, his voice low and deadly.

Candy smiled grimly. "I'll be right there beside you, friend," he murmured. "Nobody on earth treats my best friend like that. Had it not been for your father an' brother, I would have beaten him within an inch of his life an' then hauled him to the edge of the Ponderosa and dumped him off. I almost did it anyway," he added with a faint, wry grin.

Adam smiled himself, admiring the man's dedication, and nodded before glancing back over his shoulder at the still-sleeping form of his youngest brother. "He's so sick, Candy," he whispered softly, his heart threatening to break.

The younger man's eyes darkened with a mixture of sadness, anger, and helplessness. "I know. He ran himself into the ground, Adam. Ben...Ben was so obsessed with getting the other man help for his supposed head injury that he ignored the ranch. Joe couldn't take that, so he kept it going himself. Not to mention, I think it was the only way he knew how to cope. I can't tell you how many times I found him out in the barn, sobbing. He had horrendous nightmares, like last night, every night, and I'm almost positive he got less than four hours of sleep almost every night. More than once he worked himself into a fever, and yesterday he had a panic attack to the point he couldn't breathe. Paul had to sedate him. And, as I'm sure you can tell, he's lost about twenty pounds, which he couldn't afford to lose anyway. I'm sorry, Adam. I wish I could have done more...it's torn me apart," Candy explained, his eyes glistening with unshed tears as he stared down at his sleeping friend.

Adam reached out and squeezed his shoulder, despite the tears that threatened to trickle down his own cheeks. "Candy, you have nothing to blame yourself for! But do you know why Joe didn't try to find me?"

"We didn't know where to look, Adam! You never wrote!" Candy replied bitterly.

The implication of Candy's words hit Adam like a mule kick to the gut, and the air literally expelled from his lungs. "I did write, Candy. That man, whoever he is, must have intercepted them somehow. And then for the last month I've been on a ship with no way to communicate." Adam turned, barely aware of Candy's hand squeezing his shoulder in silent understanding. "Oh, Joe," he murmured to Joe's sleeping form. "I'm so sorry, kiddo."

Suddenly Joe's head began to toss slightly. "Adam?"

In an instant, Adam was across the room and at his side. "Easy, Joe, easy. I'm right here, kiddo."

Joe's eyes shot open and latched onto Adam. His hand reached out and gently touched his oldest brother's face. "It really wasn't a dream!" he whispered, relief gushing out of him.

Adam smiled softly as he pressed Joe's hand, which still rested lightly against his jawbone. "Nope, no dream, buddy. You can't get rid of me that easy," he teased softly.

"Good!" Joe murmured, ignoring the teasing and responding in complete seriousness. Tearing his gaze from Adam's face at last, he looked up when Candy began to quietly exit the room. "Candy! Wait, friend!"

Candy turned. "You sure, Joe?" he asked uncertainly.

Joe smiled, a genuine, if tired, one. "Never more sure. Come talk with us. Adam and I have a lot to catch up on, and I've got to fill Adam in on some of our adventures." With a glance at Adam, who nodded with a smile, Candy willingly crossed the room. When Ben quietly opened the door a couple of hours later to check on his son, Joe was sandwiched in between Adam and Candy, his head resting on Adam's shoulder, as they all leaned back against the headboard. They were all laughing at the story of one of Joe and Candy's adventures, but the mood instantly sobered when they saw Ben in the doorway.

Adam felt Joe tense, and knew that on his other side, Candy had as well. "Stay with Joe, Candy. I need to talk to Pa."

Candy nodded and wrapped a reassuring arm around Joe's shoulder.


	11. Cold As Ice and Just As Deadly

Edwin Burke stretched luxuriously in the comfortable bed and casually pulled out Adam Cartwright's journal. He hadn't slept well the previous night, his slumber interrupted by Joe's screams, and he had no desire to get up this morning. That wasn't a problem, however. He'd just tell Ben when he came to check on him that he hadn't slept well and had a headache and he would be waited on hand and foot for the rest of the day, with no need to ever leave his room if he did not feel like it. As he began to peruse the journal, he stumbled across the entry where Adam recorded his feelings after accidentally shooting Joe. "Hmm..." he muttered to himself. "That oughta make for some good material to use against Joe. I wonder..."

His peaceful musings were shattered when the door slammed open. Startled, Edwin glanced up, expecting to see Ben had just lost his grip on the door. What he saw were three sets of very angry eyes glaring at him. He was even more shocked, however, to see a man that could have easily been his twin. Adam Cartwright had returned!

"Good morning," a calm voice said. "I'm Adam Cartwright, and you have made my brother Joe's life a living nightmare, and I'd like you to know that I'm very unhappy about this." Edwin got the distinct impression that the calmer and more polite Adam Cartwright seemed, the more dangerous he was. Before he had time to process the man's words, however, he heard an almost primal growl from Joe Cartwright as he suddenly noticed the open journal in his hands.

Caught completely off guard, Adam and Candy had no time to react as Joe launched himself across the room, tore the journal from Burke's hands, grabbed him by the shirt collar and delivered a mighty punch to his jaw bone that left him seeing stars. "That is for invading my brother's sanctuary, helping yourself to his things, and taking advantage of my family!" Joe bellowed, sparks of rage shooting from his dark eyes.

Adam and Candy hesitated a split second before joining Joe at the edge of the bed with a shared grin that conveyed both men's thoughts. Still trying to recover his breath after Joe's wicked punch, Burke was completely unprepared for the backhand slap that made blood spurt from his nose. Blinking away the tears of pain, he stared up into Candy Canaday's very angry eyes. "That's for tryin' to destroy my best friend's life, an' for all the pain, both mental and physical, you caused him."

Still in shock at being struck, Burke was once again unprepared for the last blow that caught him in the eye. Almost instantly he could feel it beginning to swell, and he stared blearily up into Adam Cartwright's very angry face. Rarely had he felt such fear from a man before. "I'll have you know that none of usually hit a man while he's down, but that's exactly what you did to my brother an' I won't stand for that. You have thirty minutes to pack an' get outside. Your horse will be waiting for you, and you will leave this ranch. If you choose not to do so, I cannot speak for your continued safety."

Then, without a backward glance, Adam slipped his arm around Joe and steered him out of the room, Candy on their heels. Back in Joe's room, Adam admitted, "Probably shouldn't have done that, but it sure was satisfying."

Joe and Candy grinned. "That it was," Joe agreed. But then his voice sobered. "Think he'll stay gone?" he asked softly.

Candy's face darkened and his hand slipped unconsciously to his hip. "He'd better, if he knows what's good for him."

Adam reached out a hand and squeezed the younger man's arm. "Easy, Candy. I know how you feel, but killing him and having that on your conscience for the rest of your life just isn't worth it. He'll stay gone - he's a coward and I do believe we put the fear of the Cartwrights and Candy Canaday in him back there anyway," he added with a low chuckle.

Candy snorted. "Not sure he'd do much to my conscience," he admitted frankly, "but I won't shoot him."

The brothers grinned at him and then without a word needing to be spoken, Candy went out to see to the packhorse they would be needing for their trip while Joe threw a few things into a carpetbag of his own.


	12. Don't Mess with My Brother

Thirty minutes later, the four Cartwrights and Candy walked outside. They found Burke standing uncertainly in the middle of the courtyard, his face still bearing the marks from earlier. Adam, Joe and Candy advanced to within a few feet of the man while Ben and Hoss stayed back.

"Get off, an' don't ever come near this place again!" Adam barked. "If I ever see you again, or if you ever hurt my brother again, you'll be sorry." His voice was hard, and Burke's face paled. Stumbling, he backed to his horse that stood ready and scrambled aboard, galloping out of the yard.

Joe was trembling beside Adam, and Adam slipped his arm around him. Together, they turned to face Ben and Hoss. Candy stood off to the side, unsure how to react. Ben started toward Adam, his arms open, but Adam raised his hand. "Adam! I'm so sorry, son. I should have known."

"Pa, for once sorry isn't gonna cut it. Not only did you not have enough faith in me to realize that injury or no, I'd never be like that, you also hurt my little brother. I'm sorry, Pa, but nobody does that. Joe an' I are goin' off to the mountains for a while. We'll be back when we're good an' ready. You betrayed your own family, Pa. Even a man who'd never met me had more faith in me than you did, an' I'm your son, Pa! An' even if that didn't stop you, Joe's hesitations should have! I'm disappointed an' hurt, Pa. Forgiveness isn't gonna come overnight. Give Joe an' I both time. And if Joe decides he can't come back, I'm not about to force him."

"Adam…" Ben began, advancing toward his oldest and youngest sons. To his astonishment, Candy stepped between them, arms folded and legs slightly apart, effectively blocking Ben's way. "Stand aside, Canaday," Ben growled. Rarely did he call the foreman by his last time, but he felt the younger man had no right to interfere.

"Sorry, Mr. Cartwright. You can fire me if you want, but I've seen my best friend in tears for far too long. You didn't see him work himself into a fever over Adam. I did. You didn't see him in Sport's or Cochise's stall in the barn crying for hours. I did. You didn't see him on the verge of a mental breakdown because of this. I did. You didn't see Paul have to knock him out because he couldn't breathe he was so upset – I did. Adam's right – time's the only thing that's gonna heal these wounds. I promise you I'll stop you if you try to stop them from leaving. You're not gonna hurt your family anymore."

Ben blinked in astonishment, and Adam and Joe were both shocked into silence at the loyalty of the young man. Enraged, Ben's fist started to shoot out, but a huge hand caught it from behind. "Pa! Candy's right. More anger ain't gonna solve this. We did wrong, real wrong, by both Adam an' Joe, an' they have ever' right in the world to get away."

Ben froze in mid-stride, and hung his head in shame. "All right," he whispered hoarsely. "You're right."

Candy spun on his heel without a word and headed to the barn. As soon as he was out of earshot, Joe spoke up for the first time. "Pa, don't you even think about firin' Candy for what he said. I'd probably be insane if it weren't for that man." Ignoring the stare Ben leveled at him, Joe turned to Hoss. "Goodbye, Hoss," he murmured. He held no resentment for his brother – Hoss had accepted the fake Adam merely out of the gentleness and kindness of his heart, and his eyes were brimming with unshed tears now that he'd realized the mistake. In fact, Joe reached out and pulled his big brother into an embrace. In Pa's eyes, however, there was only resentment and Joe made no effort to approach him.

Hoss smiled weakly. "Take care, Punkin. Adam, take care o' little brother, ya hear. I want him back in one piece."

Adam offered his younger brother a genuine smile and a warm handshake. He had recognized the same thing Joe had, and still felt a deep love for the younger man. "Of course, Hoss. Take care, brother." Hoss clung to those words like a lifeline, knowing he had been forgiven and feeling some of the burden rolling off his shoulders.

Candy strode up then, leading Sport and Cochise and a packhorse. "Don't try an' follow us, Pa," Adam warned. Turning their backs on Pa and Hoss, the oldest and youngest brothers faced Candy. Adam gripped his hand hard. "Thanks, my friend," he murmured.

"My pleasure," Candy replied softly. "Take care o' Joe, okay? He's my best friend."

"I can see that. An' you can bet your life on it," Adam murmured grimly.

Joe reached out and pulled Candy into a strong hug. "Thanks for everything, friend." With a quick glance at Adam, he added, "Give us a couple weeks an' then follow us. Boss's orders," he concluded with a grin.

Candy smiled. "Right. See ya in a couple weeks." He held their reins as they swung up. Without a backward glance, the two men rode off toward the North.


	13. Confessions of a Broken Heart

By the time they reached the rather secret cabin that Adam had built several years before, Joe was literally slumping in the saddle from exhaustion. Because of the medicine Paul had administered the day before, combined with the shock of Adam coming home and the emotions that ran rampant because of it, it was a small miracle that he was even able to sit in the saddle. However, he perked up significantly when he saw Adam's cabin come into view. He'd only been there once before, as Adam had intended it to be his getaway and had shown it to only a very few select people. He'd built it all himself out of pine wood. There was a beautiful front porch, with handmade wooden chairs. Inside, it featured one large room. The kitchen and dining room took up about half of the room, while there was a massive stone fireplace in one corner with two comfortable chairs nearby complete with a thick bearskin rug between the chairs and the fireplace. A large bed with a hand-carved headboard occupied the corner opposite the fireplace. There was a small loft as well, which was Adam's favorite feature. One of his favorite indulgences was to lie on his back in the loft, listening to the rain on the rooftop a few inches above his head.

Joe sighed in relief as he entered the cabin. Somehow the place had an immediately soothing effect. Adam was beside him suddenly, taking his elbow and guiding him to one of the chairs in front of the fireplace. "Sit, Joe," he urged. "I watched you on the ride up here - you're exhausted, and it's no wonder. I'll get a fire going, and then I'm gonna make us a meal. The first thing we're going to do is get some weight back on you, and you're going to get plenty of sleep. We'll have plenty of time for all the talk you want, but my first priority is getting my little brother healthy again, okay?" he asked gently. He was kneeling in front of Joe, one hand resting on his knee. He had truly been frightened when he'd seen the condition Joe was in the previous night and it showed now.

It was a credit to how truly ill Joe was that he didn't argue. He gazed into his brother's dark eyes and saw the fear, love, and worry mixed there. "Don't worry, Adam, I'll do as the doctor orders," he teased lightly to ease the mood as he reached out and squeezed Adam's shoulder momentarily.

Adam grinned and ruffled Joe's hair fondly before heading out to carry in the supplies. By the time he had a meal prepared and the fire going, as the air was chill with the approaching fall, Joe had dozed off. The dancing flames accentuated the hollowness of his cheeks and Adam swallowed an unexpected lump in his throat. "Aww, kiddo," he murmured under his breath. A feeling of rage swept through him suddenly. "Pa, how could you do this to him?" he demanded bitterly. He could forgive his father for what he had done to he himself, but he was not at all sure he could forgive him for what he had done to Joe.

He heard Joe begin to moan in his sleep, indicating that he was in the darkness of a nightmare, and he snapped himself out of his own thoughts. Once again he dropped to his knees in front of Joe and gently but firmly gripped his shoulder. "Joe? Buddy, wake up," he said gently.

Joe's eyes snapped open, flaring wide in fear for an instant, before he sagged back into the chair. "Adam? I'm sorry I fell asleep!"

"No apologies, Joe. Sleep is the best thing in the world for you, aside from eating an' getting that weight back on." As he spoke, Adam handed his little brother a bowl of steaming potato soup along with a hot roll.

Joe took a whiff of it and realized to his astonishment that he actually was hungry for the first time in months. He plowed through half the bowl before he even slowed for a minute, and the only reason he slowed then was because his stomach had shrunk so drastically. "Adam, when'd you learn to be such a good cook?" he demanded, eyes sparkling slightly. "When you left home, I remember your greatest accomplishment was the rare occasion you managed to actually not burn the coffee!"

Adam smacked him lightly on the arm. "You, sir, have no room to say anything! If anyone could ruin the beans faster than you, I'd love to meet him! But I did manage to learn a few things while I was gone."

Joe sighed. "Yeah, me too," he murmured soberly, the light mood completely ruined.

Adam noticed his mood swing and squeezed his knee gently. "Finish your soup, Joe, and then we can sit on the porch and talk if you want, okay?"

Joe nodded and did as he was told, but the food no longer held any appeal for him. He was rather astonished to find he was weak when he stood and wavered so badly he might well have fallen had Adam's hand not suddenly appeared under his elbow. "Thanks," he murmured softly. It was an indication of just how tired he was that he allowed Adam to help him out to the porch without protest.

As he settled into one of his brother's chairs, Joe let out a deep sigh. "Whatsa matter, Joe?" Adam asked kindly.

His little brother hesitated a moment before responding softly. "I'd forgotten, Adam, forgotten to the point it feels wrong."

"Forgotten what, pal?" Adam prodded gently.

"How to relax," Joe whispered.

Adam's eyes burned with unshed tears. "Candy told me you ran the ranch, buddy."

Joe snorted softly. "Yeah, I did, Adam. He helped...a lot, but Pa...Pa didn't care anymore, Adam. I thought Pa lived for the ranch until you left. He doesn't, Adam. He was ready to let the ranch just completely collapse. I guess he lives for us, not the ranch. I just couldn't do that. Was I wrong, Adam?" Joe asked with the uncertainty of a little boy looking for approval from his oldest brother.

"Aww, kiddo, no. I'm so incredibly proud of you, Joe. Not many men could have done that and kept their sanity."

A deep frown creased Joe's face. "I'm not so sure you should be proud of me, Adam."

"What are you talking about, Joe? Of course I should be!"

To Adam's surprise, Joe seemingly changed the topic. "You ever wanted to give up, Adam? I mean, really wanted to give up?"

"Yes. Out in the desert with Kane." Adam's voice was so soft that Joe probably couldn't have heard him if he hadn't known exactly what his brother was talking about.

"Can I tell you something, Adam?"

Inexplicably, Adam's heart began to pound. "Of course, buddy."

"This has to stay between us, Adam." At Adam's silent nod, Joe swallowed hard and began to speak. "Adam, I nearly gave up. I became convinced you had to be dead, and I just got so tired of fighting, Adam. One night I got on Cochise and took him on a long, hard gallop, then went out to our lake. I cooled him down and then I went down to the edge of the lake." Joe swallowed several times, hating to reveal what had almost happened. Slowly his gaze raised until he met Adam's dark eyes. "I put the gun to my head, Adam, and I almost pulled the trigger. But Cooch whickered at me, and then I felt your letter in my pocket. I collapsed, literally, Adam. I fell, but I wasn't completely unconscious. I must have only laid there for a couple minutes, and then I heard galloping hooves. All of a sudden I heard Candy yell my name, and then he was kneeling in the mud beside me. I revived a little and he pulled the gun gently from my hand.

He looked me in the eye, tears running down his face, and said, 'I understand, Joe, but you never have to do this. I'm not ever gonna leave you, an' if you want, we'll go look for Adam together, but there's never a reason in the world that you have to do this.' I fell apart, Adam. I fell into his arms and he held me and we sat in the mud and cried for a couple of hours. That's why you shouldn't be proud of me, Adam," Joe finished hoarsely, his head hanging in shame.

Suddenly Adam was on his knees in front of him, hands gripping Joe's face firmly despite the fact that the world was swimming dizzingly as he absorbed what his brother had just revealed. Joe Cartwright was the last person on earth that he ever would have believed would have been driven to the point of suicide. "Joe, never, ever, will I stop being proud of you! You stopped before Candy ever showed up, and then you got back up and kept right on fighting. I owe Candy a huge debt, yes, but Joe, I'm so incredibly proud of you that I don't even know how to say it. I'm so sorry you were driven to the point you felt that was necessary, and if I could go back in time and change everything, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but that doesn't change the fact that you found it within yourself to recognize there was still hope. I don't say this near often enough, Joe, but I love you, buddy, an' I'm so proud of you it hurts," Adam concluded, his voice made harsh by the tears he could no longer hold back. Joe slid from the chair to the porch and the two brothers sat on the porch, holding each other, and let tears begin to heal their broken hearts, until Joe finally fell asleep, safe in his brother's embrace.

Adam gazed down at his sleeping brother, his eyes betraying a love and tenderness that few men ever saw in the stoic Adam Cartwright. At some point Joe had begun to shiver, so Adam had shrugged out of his heavy jacket and wrapped it around him. On the occasion that Joe had worn the coat in the past, it had always been too big; now, however, he looked as if he were drowning in it. He'd never seen his little brother look so gaunt, and it scared him. Adam rather stiffly struggled to his feet, Joe cradled tenderly in his arms, and carried him into the house. He laid him carefully on the bed, still wrapped in his coat, and pulled the blankets up around him. Knowing the younger man could sleep through anything unless he was on the trail, he planted a soft kiss on Joe's forehead before running his thumb tenderly down his jawbone. "I love you, kiddo," he whispered. Joe, despite being sound asleep, turned slightly toward that gentle voice and Adam kicked off his boots and crawled in beside him.

Joe woke with a start late the next morning. He could smell his brother's comforting cologne, and he realized that he was still wearing Adam's jacket. An unrealistic fear shot through him that perhaps his brother had left, but then he turned his head and saw Adam seated in a chair in front of the fireplace across the room. His head was in his hands, and from where Joe lay, he could see that Adam was praying. He lay still for several minutes, watching his brother, before Adam finally became aware of eyes on him and looked up. He smiled and quickly crossed the room, perching on the edge of the bed beside him. "Morning, Joe! How ya feel?"

"Better," Joe smiled. He didn't feel quite as drained, and his stomach growled suddenly.

Adam chuckled and rumpled Joe's hair fondly. "Why don't you get washed up an' I'll make breakfast."

"`kay," Joe complied willingly.

When he joined Adam at the table about twenty minutes later, he was rather astonished to see that his brother had made a hearty breakfast of pancakes and bacon. To his chagrin, his shrunken stomach would only allow him to eat one pancake and a piece of bacon. "I'm sorry, Adam - they're wonderful, but I just can't eat anymore," Joe apologized, glancing down in embarrassment.

"No apologies, Joe. It will take some time for your stomach to get back to its usual size. Just keep eating as much as you can an' I'll be happy."

Joe grinned. "You keep cookin' like that, Adam, an' I'll be more than happy to oblige!"

Adam smiled, his eyes shining with love for his younger sibling. "Deal. Now come on, let's wash up these dishes an' then we'll go for a ride an' maybe fishing. Sound good?"

"You bet!" Joe replied.

In short order they had their horses saddled and swung up. Sport, despite his calmness the day before, acted up in joy at having his old owner back at last. Joe loved the sheer joy that played across his brother's face as the big gelding pranced playfully. At last Sport settled down and they set off, not talking, but simply enjoying each other's company. They drew up finally at the edge of a small lake and settled down for lunch. Adam was pleased to see that Joe was able to eat a bit more than he had at breakfast and after lunch they made themselves comfortable at the edge of the lake to fish for a while. Joe seemed quiet, and Adam realized there was something on his mind. "You can talk to me, kiddo. None of this is your fault, buddy."

Joe's head snapped up, startled. He'd forgotten just how perceptive his older brother could be. "You might not like it," he suggested.

Adam squeezed his arm lightly. "There's not been much about any of this situation that I've liked, Joe, aside from how loyal Candy's been," he reminded softly.

Joe gave a snort that remotely resembled a laugh, but then he shuddered slightly. "True. Well, that man...he beat me up once `cause he knew I wouldn't turn him in. That wasn't really the bad part, although he almost broke my shin. What was bad was what happened after. When he got up to leave, he...he ran his hand down my cheek, just like you do, Adam. Only, it wasn't anything like what you do. I'm sorry, Adam. I wish I could have stopped him," Joe apologized profusely.

Adam was momentarily caught off guard by his brother's apology, but then it hit him. Joe felt that that was something reserved for Adam only, with the exception of Candy on rare occasions, and he probably felt that he had somehow dishonored his brother, especially since the stranger had stayed in Adam's room as well. To Joe's surprise, Adam caught his chin firmly in his hand and gently pulled it up until he was looking Adam in the eye. "Listen to me, Joe. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for about any of this. From what I understand, you were beaten almost unconscious an' couldn't have done anything to stop him anyway. Even if you weren't, however, he is a criminal and anything he did against your will is a criminal act. You couldn't have done anything in the world to prevent him from staying in my room and even reading my journal had you known that was what he was doing. So don't you dare get it in your head that you dishonored me somehow, `cause you sure didn't. I was proud of you when I left, Joe. Now, however, I'm so completely proud that my heart feels like it could burst," he concluded forcefully.

A low chuckle escaped Joe. "You sound like Candy."

"Must be a smart man, then," Adam shot back, grinning.

"Don't you ever change, Adam!" Joe begged suddenly, flinging his arms around Adam on impulse.

Adam instantly pulled him close, heedless of the fact that the man before him was twenty-two years old. If his brother had made it through these experiences with his sanity intact, the least Adam could do was hold him close and help him begin to heal. "Don't you ever change either, li'l buddy," he murmured gently.

After a minute, Joe pulled away but remained close enough to Adam that their shoulders brushed slightly. "Does any of this make any sense to you, Adam?" Joe asked after a moment. "Pa has known you your whole life, and yet he accepted the other man without a second thought. He slouched when he rode a horse - only time I've seen you do that is when you were badly hurt. Sport hated him. Hop Sing treated him politely but that was it. He and I didn't give each other the time of day unless we absolutely had to. Candy radiated his dislike for him no matter how much he tried not to, and I'm pretty sure I did too. I understand why Hoss did it - he can't pass up anyone or thing that's injured, and so it made perfect sense to him that you were hurt and it would take time for your memories to come back. But why couldn't Pa see through it, Adam? I don't understand!"

Joe sounded as if his heart were breaking, and Adam realized that it probably was. He had never met anyone who loved his father as much as Joe loved Ben, and Adam recognized with a pang just how much his brother had to have suffered. It was certainly true that he and Ben were extremely close as well, but the relationship between Joe and Ben had always been something truly special. If he had ever had any doubts about his brother's loyalty to him, they were forever banished. He shook his head sadly. "I wish I knew, buddy. And I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away, but I can't do that either."

In response, Joe simply stretched out on the ground, his head pillowed on Adam's lap. Adam's hand began to automatically run through his hair. "I don't really expect you to have an answer to it, Adam. It's just...it just hurts so much. I can and have forgiven Pa, Adam, but it's going to take a long time before I can ever really trust him again. Is that wrong, Adam?"

Joe sounded so much like a young boy looking for reassurance from his big brother that everything would be okay that Adam had to blink back sudden tears. "No, kiddo. It's totally natural, healthy even. I'd be concerned if you immediately had full faith in him once more. Trust takes years to build and unfortunately can be lost in the blink of an eye. This is going to be something that we as a family are eventually going to have to work through. Like you, I will forgive, but trust will take a long time. It will come again, but the process to get there may be long and challenging at times. Think you can handle that?"

"Can't be any worse than everything that's happened so far." Adam nodded and they were silent for a few minutes before Joe finally conceded to the exhaustion he had been fighting for some time. "I'm tired, Ad," he murmured.

Grinning at Joe's use of his nickname, Adam settled more comfortably against the rock. "Then sleep, Joe. I'm not goin' anywhere."

At Adam's quiet assurance, Joe shifted slightly to a more comfortable position and slept almost instantly, trusting his brother implicitly.


	14. Redemption

Adam, Joe, and Candy, who had eventually joined the brothers, rode into the ranch yard late one evening almost a month after Adam and Joe had ridden off. Ben and Hoss were sitting on the front porch and Hoss looked up. With a cry of joy, he hurried out to meet the three men. He could see immediately that Joe had put on weight, and looked healthy and at peace at last. Joe swung down and nearly flattened Hoss with a bear hug. In the month he'd been gone, he'd come to grips with Hoss's actions and the reasons behind them and realized that they were done with complete honesty and sincerity. Hoss, tears of joy streaming unchecked down his face, returned the hug unabashedly. When Joe finally pulled away from the healing hug, he added softly, "I missed you, brother."

Hoss blinked back a fresh flow of tears. "I missed ya too, punkin. You look good though!"

"I feel good," Joe replied truthfully, with a grin that had all its old spark behind it.

Adam had waited quietly in the background, but when Joe was done, he reached out and pulled Hoss into an unexpected hug as well. "Hey brother! Good to see you again," he murmured into the big man's shoulder.

Hoss nearly crushed Adam's ribs as he cried and hugged his older brother. "Adam, I'm so sorry!" he whispered.

"It's okay, Hoss. I understand and I forgive you."

As Hoss finally released Adam, he recognized the genuineness behind the simple words and nearly cried from relief. Adam, meanwhile, looked over Hoss's shoulder and saw Ben, standing halfway across the yard with a completely unsure look on his face.

Sliding around Hoss, Adam walked out to meet, him, his hand outstretched. "Pa," he said softly, breaching the gap.

Ben, still hesitantly, took Adam's hand and squeezed it hard. "I'm so sorry, son," he whispered, tears running down his weathered cheeks.

Adam placed a light hand on his shoulder. "I can't say it's okay, Pa, `cause it's definitely not. And I can't say the healing will come overnight, but I'm willing to take a shot at it if you are."

Ben smiled as he looked over Adam's shoulder at his youngest son, who flashed a brilliant grin at him. "Son, I will do everything in my power to restore our relationship. I was completely in the wrong, and I will freely admit it. Can you forgive me?" This time the question was directed at all three of his sons and Candy, who had come closer to stand in a loose circle around him. Somewhat to his amazement, all four heads nodded in unison, and suddenly his three sons engulfed him in a healing hug, while Candy watched, smiling. Healing wouldn't come overnight, and the trust that had been breached would take months to heal, but watching them, he knew they'd be okay. The Cartwrights always managed to overcome by their faith and their love. Candy glanced upward, whispered, "Thank You," then joined the others.


End file.
